S Tree

Welcome to oakwoodcounselling.com

BACP AR

About Me

Counselling

BACP1

Hi, my name is Vince and I am an experienced counsellor / psychotherapist and performance coach who has worked for Mind, Anxiety UK, and the North London Hospice. I have an advanced diploma in humanistic integrative counselling, a qualification that is accredited by the BACP and a BSc Hons degree in psychology. I am also a IANLP accredited Cognitive Behavioural (CBT) Coach.

I have been mentoring and coaching for over 20 years and am qualified as a humanistic integrative counsellor which means I can match individual client’s needs to a variety of established and effective therapeutic approaches. I also have a blog and advice presence on the Internet with over 1500 positive testimonials.

Performance and Executive Coaching

My performance coaching skills are based on over 11 years experience of working for the British Quality Foundation as an Awards Assessor for five years and as an Awards Assessor Team Leader for London Excellence for six years, which involved site visits and assessments of FTSE companies applying for quality improvement awards.I’ve also helped numerous students successfully navigate essays, dissertations and exam preparation, using mind maps and Mnemonics techniques.

Amongst the organisations I have assessed are Siemens, Grundfos and United Utilities. And this is the Quality Development tool they used, the EFQM Excellence Model and if you have a business or process you wish to improve or grow, I can recommend its use to you.It is World class:

https://mailchi.mp/aa64e5e9761c/model2013english

Location and Contact Details

I am based at BH23 4EQ which is equidistant between Christchurch and Highcliffe and 10 miles (20 mins drive) from Talbot Campus, Bournemouth Uni.

Free detailed initial 30 minute consultation by telephone, if needed.

Free off street parking in BH23 4EQ, or if walking, within 10 walk of the Sandpiper Pub, or Bure Haven Drive Bus Stop, (X1 & X2 buses).

Mobile: 07881 803 727 or from abroad UK (44) 7881 803 727

email: oakwoodcounselling@outlook.com

SKYPE vince.oakwood

Qualifications

Diploma in Systems Practice, 1998; Diploma in Performance Coaching 2001; British Quality Awards Trainer 2001; BSc Hons, (Psychology) 2004; Diploma in Life Coaching 2005; Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling 2013; Diploma in Humanistic Integrative Counselling 2014; Advanced Diploma in Humanistic Integrative Counselling 2015.

Anxiety UK approved therapist

Bereavement counselling training and working as a voluntary counsellor for North London Hospice 2013 - 2016

Training and working as a voluntary counsellor for Mind in Haringey 2014 - 2017

Why Counselling?

Many of us have experienced times when life can feel complex, we may feel isolated, challenged or maybe even completely overwhelmed. We may find ourselves looking for additional non-judgemental, experienced and professional support outside our friends and family, in a caring, comfortable, and calm environment.

It can be very helpful to have difficulties explored in confidence, to be listened to and properly heard in order to make sense of things, so that choices can become clearer and our lives more fulfilling.

Quite often we may experience emotional discomfort when our usual coping mechanisms are beginning to let us down, or are directly causing us discomfort as a consequence of the history of our lives, e.g. self-medicating for emotional pain using alcohol, recreational or even presciption drugs. We can also use avoidance or over-compensation, such as becoming a gymaholic, or workaholic or even develop a habit for serial romantic relationships. Making sense and effectively, but sensitively, facing and processing of some traumatic events from the past often helps the present and the future. Often things that may seem dysfunctional, may actually be essential, effective and resourceful coping mechanisms.

How I Work

I work at a pace and on a focus you decide. I will help you to achieve a better understanding of your core identity, who you really are (although that changes slightly all the time) your feelings, needs and how best you might formulate, meet or refine your existing goals or even change direction.

Usually I will complete a graphic diagram demonstrating visually how your specific circumstances are interacting to cause the issues you are experiencing and this also highlights the intervention points. Getting the "Big Picture" really helps people to understand what is going on.

Here is an example graphic diagram of the complex underlying causes of depression.

I have what is known as an integrative approach to counselling, which means potentially using a mix of the most respected, widely practised and effective therapeutic approaches such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) Psychodynamic, and the highly structured and effective Schema Therapy. I'll tailor and utilize what works best for you personally, as we are all different.

As well as talking about your issues you'll also get an insight into how you are experienced within the therapeutic relationship through honest and sensitive feedback.

Whilst the therapeutic relationship is unlike any other, it is a reflection of other relationships you have and so provides the opportunity to explore some of the dynamics that get played out in your other relationships. To this end it can be a powerful self-development tool.

What to expect?

Sessions usually run once a week for an hour, or as agreed between us. Initially I meet clients for an assessment and if we both agree to work together then I offer a further five sessions.

After the initial six sessions, we'll discuss and review our work together and decide if we wish to continue onto open ended, long-term work. Everything is done in a safe, welcoming environment and at your pace.

Therapy is not something that is done to you, so to speak, it is more like something you have. It is about exploring alternatives, different perspectives, questioning patterns of thinking and behaving and finding new ways of seeing things. Fundamentally it’s a learning experience.

On this point, one less common element to counselling I use, is psychoeducation. This means as we progress I explain to you openly what I am doing, the techniques, the key concepts and language used. So you begin to learn how to 'do' therapy yourself. The point of my approach is the more you understand about it, the more effective we will be as a team, and when the therapy is finished, you will have a greater understanding and insight of how best to take care of yourself in future, and maybe even the others around you. In fact I have had many clients who have become so interested in psychotherapy, they have expressed a desire to study and become qualified themselves, which I encourage completely.

I believe very much in the saying, if you "give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime."

I will put details of some key psychotherapeutic concepts in the resource section below.

Examples Areas of Counselling I Work With

This is not an exhaustive list.

Fees

All session last 60 minutes. Mondays to Fridays:

Face to Face, Skype, Zoom, telephone, = £45 (For Skype, zoom & telephone prepaid sessions via paypal).

Email or Texts = £7 per email / text. Discounted block pre-book £50 for 10 (Prepaid Emails / Texts via paypal).

Home Visits (if within 5 miles) = £65

Weekends an additional £15 on the above face to face options.

Relationship (Couple) = £55

Low cost face to face concessions may be available Monday - Friday 10 AM - 4 PM £35 for 50 mins. Call for availability, it depends on demand.

I have a special rate for counselling students in training of £25, 10AM-4pm weekdays.

Cancellations

Please provide at least 48 hours notice of cancellations so I can try to re-book the vacant session with other clients. Cancelling at short notice within 48 hours will incur the fee, although I will try to add 50% of the time to the next 2 sessions, if at all possible, so you actually lose no value. I usually manage to do this most of the time.

My detailed contract:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/qn798p6kz6el90i/Contract%20V.06%20Mar%202019.doc?dl=0

Did you know this about mental health?

So if you are suffering from anxiety and depression and also look at the average size of a GP practice in the Christchurch / Bournemouth area (which on average is approx 6,000 patients) there will probably be another 600 people in your GP's practice who unfortunately are suffering the same issues as you.

Did you know this about Counselling? Often not many sessions are needed.

Continuous Professional Development

I am committed to Continuing Professional Development and as part of my CPD I have attended various events, training days and courses:

Resources, Downloads and Donations

[Always under construction - so may not be complete.]

If you download any of these documents or assessment and find them helpful, I would be very happy to accept a small donation by PayPal here at this email address immediately below, which I will gift to MIND - the mental health charity and the North London Hospice annually:

ukcelestialnavigator@hotmail.com

Thank you.

Self Assessments

The assessments below relate to some of the most common issues people experience. However, sometimes labels can be painful, stigmatise and may not help, but at other times they may be useful and even reassuring to some degree. Maybe reflect on this before you take a look at yourself?

Anger

https://www.dropbox.com/s/qxz4vxlgt9cbxzk/Anger%20Questionnaire%20Scored.xls?dl=0 (Excel)

Anxiety

If you think you suffer a lot from anxiety? Try this assessment and see whether it is mild or more intense:

Anxiety Questionnaire Download

Attachment Style Assessment (link)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/tests/relationships/relationship-attachment-style-test

Depression

If you feel you might be depressed? Try this assessment:

Depression Questionnaire Download

Grief and Complex Grief Assessment

https://www.dropbox.com/s/s7w2v25mu08dkbv/inventory%20of%20complicated%20grief.docx?dl=0

Self-compassion

A lot of depression can be heightened when people have felt "shut down" for so long, so they dont feel much emotionally. If they dont feel much emotionally, the emotions that would usually signal an unmet need, like anger, are not triggered, and so as a consequence our needs tend not to be met. Indeed, even if we are still able to feel emotions, many of us are not even explicitly aware of what our needs are to ask for them to be met. Learning self-compassion and to feel we are worth fighting for is an important element in moving out of depression.

This questionnaire will identify where your self-compassion is.

Self-Compassion Assessment

A link which lists our needs, highlights the key areas for improvement and a self-compassion exercise to help build it.

Needs and Feelings

Self-esteem Issues

Self-Esteem Assessment Download (Excel)

Sexuality

Concerned or interested about your sexuality? This might help you identify whether you are straight, gay or bi?

http://drrobertepstein.com/ESOI/

Some other information you might find helpful?

Do you often tend to feel bit of a "victim..." Or are you a bit of a "people pleaser" and sacrifice a lot but never seem to get your needs met? Check out the drama triangle:

The Drama Triangle

https://www.dropbox.com/s/rnkwnttiqm5dhmg/The%20Drama%20Triangle%20Last.docx?dl=0

Issues with Romantic Relationships

If you feel there may be room for improvement in your relationship, take a look at these questions and give one to your partner which you can use as a basis for identifying which areas of the relationship to focus on and gently exploring how it might happen.

Relationship Feelings Questions (Excel)

Many relationship issues we can experience in later lives relate to what is known as our "Attachment Style" which we develop in the first few years of our lives.

(See Attachment Style Assessment above to see what yours is)

There are four basic styles. They are Securely Attached, Anxious Preoccupied, Dismissive Avoidant and Fearful Avoidant. There are other many other styles that evolve from these in later life, (Google Crittenden and DMM).

Validation and Invalidation (and decisionmaking) in Relationships

https://www.dropbox.com/s/hx7k45ebd1veynp/Invalidation%2C%20Reflection%2C%20Decision%20Making%20and%20communicating.docx?dl=0

Blended Families: Having trouble with step-sons / daughters?

https://www.handinhandparenting.org/article/step-parenting-blended-families/

Recovering from Romantic Heartbreak:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/wu2yrqii4hdmjti/Heartbreak.docx?dl=0

Some other potentially helpful Info:

Acceptance and Letting Go.

I was reading a Jon Kabat-Zinn book on mindfulness (Coming to Our Senses) the other day, where he talks about desire and the advantages of acceptance and letting go.

In one part of it he talks about acceptance and not letting go as a trap, and uses a metaphor of how they used to humanely trap monkeys years ago in India.

Kabat-Zinn said that they sometimes use a particular way of trapping monkeys, where they take a Gourd, and cut a small hole in one end, and then they tie the Gourd with string to the tree, and then they put a some fruit inside the Gourd, and then the monkeys come are attracted by the smell and put their hand in the Gourd, but the hole in the Gourd is made so that if they grasp the banana they can’t get their hand out of the hole, the fist is too big to go through it. So the monkeys have to first "let go" of the banana to actually release their hands. But the hungry monkeys don’t want to let go of the juicy fruit, and that’s how they are trapped.

I was skeptical about the Gourd trap as I’ve always thought of monkeys as intelligent, but I decided to research..

The research:www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jBgo7UipqY

Kabat-Zinn says acceptance and letting go..are very active processes, there is nothing passive about them, they are not passive resignation, but an act of recognition that things are actually the way they are.

Of course, sometimes things are not the way we want them to be, so acceptance doesn’t mean that we can’t work to change the world, or to change our circumstances one way or another, but it means that unless we first accept things as they are, we will try to force things to be as they are not. And that takes emotional energy that might be best used for something more positive, and it may cause us to feel stagnation, frustration, a sense of helplessness, dis-empowerment, depression and eventually self-anger.

If you put it like this+ Desire and hope V’s Letting go and acceptance. You kind of know which one will win in the end..

So forcing things to be what they are not can create an enormous amount of difficulty and eventually emotionally exhausting. 

If we recognise the actuality of things then we have the potential to apply wisdom (our "being" (non-judging) mind and our doing mind) in that situation to actually shift our own perspective to what is occurring in ways that might actually be far more healing and transformative, but without acceptance of a situation it is very difficult to know where to position ourselves and without knowing where to be or stand it is very difficult to take the first step in a direction we truly want to take.

So letting go, or letting things “be,” as they are, means allowing the recognition that when you are trapped by your own desire, by your own attachment to things being a certain way – and that that’s painful, but that letting go, is actually the doorway to freedom. Control is largely illusory anyway.Every thought we have orginates in our unconscious mind, and who knows what is going on in there.

Also letting go isnt something that you do only once. Think of it like this, it’s actually something that you do over and over again, moment by moment. Every time you catch yourself clinging to something, just remind yourself it’s possible to just “let it be.” And just let it go. All the breaths we take can remind us of that, because every time we take a breath and we have to let it go. Because otherwise, there is no room for the next breath so that’s a natural part of life to receive, and then release, receive and then let go.

———————————

Some Acceptance and Letting Go Quotes:

Imagine what is upsetting you now, then imagine your life a months’ time. Then look 1 year into the future, and then 10. Realize that many of the things you’re worrying about now don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things

“In the end, just three things matter. How well we have lived. How well we have loved. How well we have learned to let go.” Jack kornfield

“You can only lose what you cling to” “The foot, feels the foot, when it touches the ground” - Buddha

The wound is the place where the light enters you.”

“The quieter you become the more you are able to hear.” - Rumi

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What bananas are you grasping tightly on to?

Addiction

Often the root of many addictions (alcohol, gambling, recreational drugs, sex, workaholics, smoking etc., ) are usually about distracting, avoiding or self-soothing, self-medicating for pain or emptiness caused by attachment issues.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/meaningful-you/201306/the-relational-roots-addiction

A graphic of the link betweeen shame and addiction is here:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/sg8scrgzo68hz52/Shame%20and%20Gambling.jpg?dl=0

Aggressive Children in Families

Remember we can only change our behaviour and not anyone else's, although hopefully, we can influence them.

https://www.dorsetcouncil.gov.uk/children-families/get-help-for-your-family/family-information-service.aspx

https://www.dorsetcouncil.gov.uk/children-families/activities-for-children-young-people-and-families/childrens-centres/childrens-centre-services-and-activities.aspx

Crying

Crying can actually be very healing and positive. When we cry, we release oxytocin, the cuddle hormone. It has healing properties on the cardiovascular system, which can be damaged by the potentially bad stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol, which can eventually lead to furring arteries and heart disease.

As you might have realised there is "emotional contagion" when crying happens, when one person begins to cry in the company of others, often others follow, which is why some people like to keep a "stiff upper lip" or sometimes wait till they are alone to cry.

So when we cry in the company of those who care for us, we release healing oxytocin in out bodies, and if they cry with us, we enable them to release oxytocin in their bodies which heals their cardiovascular system. So with our tears, we heal those who love us.. What a lovely thought. So tears are are actually a healthy gift of love.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319631.php

https://www.smh.com.au/technology/the-hormone-that-makes-us-good-or-evil-20120905-25eyx.html

There is much more connectivity between us than meet the eye.

Breast-Infant Temperature with Twins during Shared Kangaroo Care

Forgiveness

https://www.dropbox.com/s/rbw1xogxetxr6tj/Forgiveness.doc?dl=0

Intrusive Thoughts / Fantasies

We all have intrusive thoughts and fantasies occasionally. Some of these can be quite strange and really frighten us. It does not mean we are weird, bad or evil.

For example in his book "The Imp of the Mind" Lee Baer an expert on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, reports the results of an experiment undertaken by a Dr Wisner on women who were suffering from postpartum depression experienced the following thoughts: fear of doing embarrassing things (32%), fear of doing terrible things (22%), blasphemous obsessions (19%) fear of something being wrong with their body (16%) fear of harming themselves (11%) fear of sexual obsessions (8%) and fear of stealing (3%). It was estimated that 5% of new mothers suffered from aggressive obsessional thoughts towards their babies. So if we applied this to the population of the US, 200,000 new mothers a year may be developing disturbing obsessions about harming their new-born’s, an initially frightening thought, until we know its fairly normal.

To add to the sadness, almost none of these women are able to talk to their partners, Drs or obstetricians about their thoughts, because they fear being thought of as crazy.

Unfortunately, a lot of us have similar fears about the nature of our thoughts, but we all have these thoughts, and so what we normally need is reassurance that they are ok. There is a very big difference between a thought or a fantasy and acting it out, and fortunately if we ask ourselves, a lot of us understand that.

How to Deal With Intrusive Thoughts

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=laeYq51SYA0

Motivating yourself for change:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/7h5dol5ieh6gj1i/Building%20Motivation%20For%20Change%20Last.docx?dl=0

Reality / Unreality

This is a really useful youtube video on the nature of our "meaning-making." Why we are ALL a little psychotic, because we actually construct "reality" based on our previous experiences.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyu7v7nWzfo

Romance and Relationship Issues

Conflict - Conflict is a natural thing to happen in relationhips. We are different people with different goals, backgrounds, histories, experiences, values and beliefs. We have different needs to each other at different times. So our moods and the things we desire at any one time may not always align with out partners. The important thing is to express our needs in a conflict situation where they dont align with out SOs non-aggressively. It is the non-aggression and how we listen and empathise that is important. We should be able to communicate, problem solve, negotiate and compromise effectively, so that there is ideally never a win / lose situation, but look for a win / win or basically if you cant find a win / win the whole relationship suffers.

The Rules of Romance made explicit - so you can see how difficult they are to keep and be happy with ourselves and our partners. We seem to set very high implicit rules, which are not communicated, and we rarely see them written down, but seem to know them.

They can put a lot of pressure on a relationship, so maybe see how tough they are and reflect on your expectations, to see whether they are reasonable and can be met.

Once we either adjust our expectations to more reasonable levels, or begin communicating our needs more effectively, we can make some positive changes.

The Rules of Romance (Word)

Click on open and download in the top right hand of the screen.

A Relationship Building Quiz - for a bit of fun, like the old Mr and Mrs Quiz on TV - But WARNING..dont use it unless you are pretty sure you know the answer to how she/he will answer their questions - or it will work against you! e.g. you should be sure you know how they would answer the questions: what is their most favourite meal? Their two most admired people? Their least favourite relative, toughest problem they have ever faced etc., ? And of course you must be pretty sure they know the answer to how you would answer too, or that will make them feel bad.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/hvekmc1gd51kfto/Fun%20Relationship%20Quiz.xls?dl=0

Communication - Sometimes we need to communicate things that others might get upset about. We have to do it in a way that does not "emotionally flood" the other person, not listen, close down or get defensive or angry. This is a technique called gentle start-ups developed by John Gottman.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/8jutuaz95vjbwsg/Gentle%20Start%20Ups.doc?dl=0 (Word)

Love and Fading love - or "I love you, but im not in love with you."

What love is and how many different kinds are there?

Love is made up of: passion, intimacy and commitment:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love

Relationships move through a number of stages. The first being the limerant, romantic or honeymoon period. This lasts from 6 months to around 3 years.. After that the love usually becomes more mature and less intense.

http://www.loveatfirstfight.com/relationship-advice/relationship-stages/

Its normal, but there are things you can do to improve it.

There are dangers of long term relationships, when we become too close and similar to each other for too long. This is called enmeshment.

https://www.loveaddictiontreatment.com/loveaddictionnews/the-danger-of-enmeshed-relationships/

Underlying all relationships is something called a distancer / pursuer dynamic. Basically at any one time we are normally pursuing or distancing our SO. At the extremes, this is known as the "Elastic Band Effect"

http://www.cosmo.ph/relationships/your-secret-love-weapon-the-rubber-band-effect

Jealousy - ROCD, relationship OCD

https://www.dropbox.com/s/qfdpsfwe17w3hkj/ROCD.docx?dl=0

Coping Skills - Basically we have three main responses to adversity, stress and anxiety. We can avoid, approach or even over-compensate. The most popular (and successful strategy short term) is avoidance, but this has the effect of actually making the issue we are trying to avoid - even more powerful in the long term.

There are a number of coping skills that we have that help us in adversity. It is important to remember that for a stressor to be considered as requiring 'coping,' it has to be 'interpreted' as having some degree of personal relevance. For example a stock market crash would not usually be very relevant for a young school teacher, but may be very relevant for a retiree who has a large portfolio of shares and who relies on it for their pension.

A sense of control and where you believe control is situated (within yourself or externally - out of your control) called the 'Locus of Control.' Obviously if you feel something is within your sphere of influence, it feels far more comfortable.

Emotions

You aren't at the mercy of your emotions, your brain creates them | Lisa Feldman Barrett: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gks6ceq4eQ

Emotional Intelligence (EI)

This is about the skills and capacity we have in being aware of, in control and expressing one's emotions judiciously and empathetically.

Here is an example of what an EI assessment might look like:

http://www.sigmaassessmentsystems.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/MEIA-Basic-Report.pdf

Hope

Hope is a double edged sword. If it is reasonable, proportional and rational, then it may be useful and good, but it can sometimes also turn into a delusional fantasy which can sometimes turn into denial and anchor us to inaction.

Humour

See how you score on your "humour coping skills questionnaire" by clicking here, courtesy of Professor Gijsbert Stoet https://www.psytoolkit.org/survey-library/humor-hsq.html

Optimism

Learned Optimism

Mastery

Problem Solving

Self-Efficacy

Self-Esteem

This also may translate into something called " insecure attachment" if you tend to be anxious, clingy or jealous in your relationships.

Check this youtube video link to see this unconscious influence that affects us from childhood:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjOowWxOXCg&t=7s

Social Support

Challenge and courage in adversity - and "having the skin in the game." This youtube link is about have the courage to have commitment.

Youtube Link to Brene Brown's "Man in the Arena" Speech

Click on open and download in the top right hand of the screen.

Narrated story of Mark Epstein's "The Pot" - The message is, you are good enough, and you should try to be compassionate and kind to yourself.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/vltmmg5khy0hj9j/2%20The%20Pot.m4a?dl=0

If you have scored high for self-esteem or identity issues, as indicated in the assessment above, try this Mirror Workbook.

Drop Box Link for Mirror Workbook (Word)

Click on open and download in the top right hand of the screen.

It would be best to talk its use through with me. If you want email counselling, we can use this as a framework. It is copyrighted, so please only for personal use.

Shame

If you tend to feel a lot of embarrassment or shame in your life, try this assessment (Excel):

Areas of Shame and Reapportionment Download

Click on open and download in the top right hand of the screen.

Healing your Inner Child Guided Meditation

https://www.dropbox.com/s/6njsm49p2abl304/Inner%20Child.MP3?dl=0

Some Key Psychological Concepts:

If you have am interest in learning more about some key useful psychological / psychotherapeutic concepts, here are some links:

Attentional Bias: https://www.anxiety.org/what-is-attentional-bias

Selective Attention 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJG698U2Mvo

Selective Attention 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGQmdoK_ZfY

The Nature of Reality: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lyu7v7nWzfo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mf5otGNbkuc

Transference:

A really important concept to understand in your therapy, and life. The first of three videos.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDd7iJxn370

Another.

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/transference

An amazing real world example of "transference" (our usually unconsious memories from the past) from the behind the scenes of the making of the Movie "The Green Mile", where the acting coach for Michael Clarke Duncan (John Coffey) gets him to recall his childhood memories to connect with his sadness. See 4.20 mins to 9.00 mins.

Watch the power of this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mW4jbu9gNt0

Phobias

Recent research has suggested that there may be some kind of memory from our ancestors encoded in our DNA.

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/10486479/Phobias-may-be-memories-passed-down-in-genes-from-ancestors.html

Projective Identification: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/young-people-close/201609/sneaky-devil-projective-identification

The 4 most common Projective Identifications, apart from anger which may be self-hatred (a deep sense of inadequacy - which they try to make others feel) :

  1. You are incompetent - you need me - obey my instructions.
  2. I make you whole.
  3. You owe me, I work so hard.
  4. Why are you so annoyed, what have I done?

Am I projecting?

https://www.dropbox.com/s/0x537vy6ygee9x5/Projection.docx?dl=0

Cognitive Distortions

Unfortunately the human brain is not an exact instrument and suffers from some hard wired biases. There are quite a few, and these unconsciousy affect how the memory works, the way we perceive things and make decisions.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_cognitive_biases

and here:https://betterhumans.coach.me/cognitive-bias-cheat-sheet-55a472476b18

Common Thinking Errors (which tend to cause anxiety) :

Mental Filter - only noticing bad? Judging - Evaluating only ‘one’ perspective. Prediction - Believing I know what will happen. Emotional Reasoning - I feel so bad, so it MUST be so bad. Mind Reading - I assume I know what others think. Comparing & Despairing - I'm seeing only good in others & bad in myself. Not appreciating each of us intimately knows ourselves, all the unfortunate mistakes we have ever made ..all our imperfections. And yet we cannot easily see the same imperfections in others, as we don't usually broadcast these. Catastrophising - I imagine when something goes wrong the worst will happen and it will ruin everything. Critical Self - always putting myself down. Black & White Thinking - believing that something can only be good/bad or right/wrong, with no grey bits in between. ‘Should-ing & Ought-ing’ - Putting undue pressure on myself. Perfectionism - thinking I need to be perfect all the time - Not remembering I only need to be ‘good enough’ & no-one is perfect all the time. Magnification - focusing mainly on the bad, but also minimising the good. Personalising - Am I taking blame or responsibility for things not under my control?

PTST - Trauma

A link to a download detailing the most common technique for addressing trauma, called the "Rewind Technique". This is just a script, which ideally should be performed with a trained psychotherapist, but it gives some insight into the process:

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/32dhi33uqo11f1h/AAClMIPyR8iZeRsN7sylGC06a?dl=0

The TFT Technique tapping technique that may help in the relief of trauma.

https://www.thetappingsolution.com/what-is-eft-tapping/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNXUO1OiBFI

Relaxation - Progressive muscle relaxation exercise recording:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/7ki9ijffww34hno/Progressive%20Muscle%20Relaxation.MP3?dl=0

Info about the counselling process

How the therapist can get in the way of therapy

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/7-ways-therapists-get-in-way-of-therapy-0817164

How the client can get in the way of therapy

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-therapy/201208/seven-mistakes-therapy-clients-make

About being seen and living wholeheartedly - from being small and invisible, from the making of the movie "The Greatest Showman."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLFEvHWD_NE

Who am I? Some of my hobbies, music and movies, interests and quotes I like.

In numerous studies of the effectiveness of psychotherapy the results suggest, that it is not the theoretical background or approch of the therapist that makes the difference in the success of therapy, the results are based on the quality of the relationship between both. Its a two-way process. So to a degree you have to know and trust me, like I have to know you. So that to that end I will provide some information about me.

I was asked the other day; how does one measure, how well we have lived?

In the Autumn of our lives, we look back and ask “did we lead a wholehearted life?” Did we cower in the false comfort and numbness of the shadows, or grasp what life we had, with both hands..the risk, the fear of new and different. Did we challenge failure? For we cannot know the boundaries of our own selves, our potential, until we “fail.” Knowing what somethings “are,” is often just as much about what they are “not.”

Ideally we should not fear failure, as merely “trying,” and experiencing can be defined as success..

Did we connect with our shadow, our dark side, our flawed bits, the sadness and the deep feeling of isolation and void..that might give us, and accept it, and welcome those uncomfortable feelings as also a central part of being alive. Did we ‘do’ as much as we could of, the good, the bad and the ugly..

Not connecting or experiencing ourselves or others, authentically, openly, honestly and vulnerably,  is not really living, it is existing. Does that resonate?

Some of my favorite poetry, music and movies:

Harmony and nature personified..Waterfall, Harp, Human and Swan.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzPSA7qKPyw

Poems: "This Be The Verse" and "Not Waving But Drowning."

Zoe Wanamaker 'This Be The Verse' by Philip Larkin

Music - Titanium - David Guetta

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGoCtJzPHkU

Movie - Amelie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUECWi5pX7o

Im a great believer in life-long learning, holistic thinking, the butterfly effect, transformational change and interconnectivity. "The universe is a continuous web. Touch it at any point and the whole web quivers" - Stanley Kunitz

“We are all connected, to each other, biologically. To the Earth, chemically. To the Universe atomically” – Neil deGrasse Tyson

Prof. Jordan Peterson talks about "the ripple effect" and how we act IS important. Live out your own genuine being affect billions and change the World.. Watch from 13.40 - 16.20

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqEsTPaUZF0&t=822s

“Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, for as long as you can.” - John Wesley

Looking for meaning?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ofe6qGKiLDk

"If the only tool in your toolbox is a hammer, then you may be tempted to treat every problem as if were a nail." - Abraham Maslow

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Depressed...Lost Direction? - Inspirational talk from Jordan Peterson. Life advice that will change your future.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqEsTPaUZF0

See what celebrities have to say about wealth, fame and happiness

Youtube link

 

A Footnote About Therapy

I was reading the words of a therapist Michael White recently. He was talking about how therapy was often commonly perceived as a one-way process from the therapist to the client, but he felt it was very much a two-way process, as suggested by the following quotes:

• The privilege that we experience as persons invite us into their lives in various ways, and the real effects of this privilege on our own lives.
• The inspiration that we experience in this work as we witness persons changing their lives, despite formidable odds.
• The experience of new and special associations that enrich our lives.
• The joy that we experience as we are privy to the extent to which persons are able to intervene in their lives to bring about preferred changes, and as we join with persons in the celebration of these accomplishments.
• The special metaphors to which persons introduce us that provide us with thinking tools in other situations.
• How this interaction has enabled us to extend the limits of our thinking and to fill some of the gaps in our own self-narratives.
• The contribution that others make to the sustenance of our vision and our energy.

Such acknowledgment does play a significant role in dismantling the hierarchy of knowledges and the hierarchy of knowledgeableness. It usurps the taken-for-granted therapeutic arrangement. However, I do not believe that this is achieved at a cost to the therapist. How could this be a loss to us when it brings a new and different shape to therapeutic interaction and new and different possibilities to our work with those persons who seek our help? In fact, as I have argued this acknowledgment actually sustains our work and powerfully authenticates our interest in people's lives and our curiosity about how things might be otherwise.

Therapists can and should openly acknowledge that we are not lone actors, but are working in collaboration with others, or we can all take Prozac again. Michael White 1948 - 2008 Narrative Practice, Continuing the Conversations.

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